Never Leave Home Without 'Em

Without what?

High Expectations of your children.

I doubt any parent would say they don't expect their child to succeed. Success is a broad concept.

From a child's infancy, loving parents look for signs of high intellect, advanced social skills, and above-average physical development - my baby turned over today, he's only three weeks old, she followed me all the way across the room with her eyes, etc. While these developments are exciting and inspire great parental pride, they truly are not skills we teach our children. But, a parent can begin to teach a child how to succeed and develop successful behavior beginning at an early age. It's all about expectations.

I have a friend who has a precious little girl - who is quickly turning into a terror. (No one who reads this blog so I'm not talking about you!) This little girl is the youngest in her family. She's got scads of personality. When she was very young, she began repeating saucy retorts to things her parents said to her - remarks that she'd either heard on television shows or from her preteen big sister. It was so cute and funny, when she would throw her hands on her three-year-old little hips, cock her head to one side, and say, "What-ever" after being told/asked to settle down or to put a toy away. After the first couple of times she did this and her cute (but inappropriate) response was met with a laugh from her parent, what message do you think she received? The expectation changed - she was expected to say something funny not to change her actions! It's not rocket-science when broken down into three-year old terms is it?

"So do I begin setting behavioral expectations for my child around age three?" you may be asking. No way! Start earlier. It's okay to show a very young child you expect certain behavior from him or her.

For example, a temper tantrum should be met with, at the very least, refusal to give in to the child's demands. Yep, that's harsh and when you're in the check-out line at the grocery, it may not even seem doable. But it works. Expectations are a two way street you see. If a child responds in temper to not getting his or her way, and you, as the parent, give in to him or her, then what does that child begin to expect the result of a temper fit will be? That's right, you got it - Child 1 - Parent - zilch. And let me tell you, those little stinkers will run that temper tantrum score up on you faster than you can imagine! And I'll go one step further, if a child has a temper tantrum, to the extent you are able, you should immediately remove his or her audience - namely YOU! Put that cute baby in her pack and play, stick that precious little boy facing a wall for about thirty seconds. Show him or her that no one is paying attention to the negative behavior. That's what we did. When my youngest daughter didn't get her way (and she knew that we didn't typically grant an audience to temper fits), she would follow me or her father around the house, flopping into a chair or across a table as if her world had ended. She wanted us to know that she was miserable but she knew she couldn't throw a fit. It was hysterical - but quiet and peaceful and she got the point. She's not a big fit-pitcher now but she'll pout from time to time. All in all, not a bad result.

Finally, if you begin to set high expectations (and consistent consequences) for behavior when a child is young, then high expectations for character traits such as kindness, academic success, work ethic, and integrity are much easier to teach and model as your child moves toward becoming his or her own little person and into young adulthood. The framework is already built; the rules are already set. They will play along.

And pray.

Tomorrow - more about limits, rules and consequences.