One of the most painful arguments my husband and I have had over the past dozen or so years resulted from a comment I made to our son. I told him I was ashamed of him. My husband didn’t think I should have made this comment to him.
I gotta say, an outside observer would have thought that I had said my son was ugly and smacked babies for all of the drama caused by this one remark I’d made. It stands out in my memory as a defining moment in my relationship with my son. I’m not especially proud of this fact.
To this day I feel shame is a necessary character building tool. I’m not sure my husband agrees. I’m pretty sure my son didn’t agree some ten or so years ago when I uttered the afore-mentioned vitriol at him! And I’m not sure I’m right about this so I’ll invite you to comment at the end – I’d really like to know if my way is the right way to think here or if it’s just me being Waddie and attempting to exert some more of my famous “mind-control.”
Anyway, I digress.
My old friend Merriam-Webster (actually made up of three people you know), offers multiple definitions for the word shame but I believe their definition stating the following will be the most apt for my blog today:
Shame (n): something that brings censure or reproach ; also : something to be regretted
Mind you, I didn’t go about telling my children they had caused me shame repeatedly. As a matter of fact, I don’t remember ever saying this other that the time I’m mentioning above. I’m sure I said something about it from time to time, but rather in a fashion somewhat similar to, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” Which is more likely what I meant when I told Clay I was ashamed of him. Except I was also mad and hurt with him so I inserted “I’m ashamed of you.” Perhaps I should revisit that with him after all these years and maybe try to rebuild that bridge. Digressing again – sorry.
So shame is an indicator that one has a moral compass. Do you want your child to have one? Obvious answer right? Well in constructing that moral compass with them (yes, that is YOUR job – not that of your church, their school, or even the Veggie Tales), there will be a time (or a bazillion times) when your son or daughter steps over that line of right into wrong. And somehow you’ve got to convince them that it really isn’t a desirable place to be even if it feels good or is fun. How? Well if you’re getting through on the whole concept of right and wrong, there will be some shame. They will regret what they’ve done, as M-W says above. Why will they regret it? For one, they should and will temporarily fall out of your favor. And falling out of favor does not equal falling out love or even falling out of like with your child. It does mean that your child knows you aren’t happy with their actions and even that you disapprove and in communicating this to them, shame is one of their resultant emotions. It’s okay – again – if you’re doing most everything else okay (which I really believe you are or you wouldn’t be reading parenting blogs) then their feelings might get hurt a little (shame hurts – it’s icky and it make us feel blecky deep inside) but their self-esteem won’t suffer irreparably. Promise.
Now back to my son, I’m wondering if I should have told him I was ashamed of him or if I should have just allowed (and hoped) that his natural moral compass had brought about shame in his heart on his own? Thoughts?
ponderings, musings, rantings (hopefully few) and praises
4 comments:
Hmmm. Tough one. All I can say is that I bristled when my mom said "Shame on you" to Harper during our last visit. I know that she had no idea what that really meant (aside from interpreting the tone of voice). However, I just felt that it was too soon to introduce shame into her life - me being a softie. But when she's 13, that's a different matter.
I am of the belief that you don't advise on things you have not gone through. With that being said, I hope I never have to assume shame for my children's action. Hopefully my disappointment or anger will be enough to register on their moral compass. That being said, where parenting is involved things never work out as you hope.
somehow, ya'll were able to convince us that your love was unconditional regardless of whether you were ashamed of us. seems like that's probably a tough thing to convey to little people. so...kuddos!
To me saying "I'm ashamed of YOU" means the shame is about ones character and not ones actions. As I remember that is what you were trying to convey - that your were ashamed of Clay as a person and not his actions or decision making for this particular incident(hey you brought it up AGAIN.....) On more than one occasion I have been ashamed of Clay's actions, deeds, decisions, or words. I have also been very proud of how he has handled the biggest adversities of his own making. Clay (nor the girls) has never shirked responsibility for his actions, deeds, decisions, or words. Though it occasionally takes some time usually it happened(s) without our promting and without our putting words in his mind or mouth. Remember the call from Mr. Gioa? The one where he called me to tell us that we should know that Clay was the ONLY one that "manned up" and said to the Honor Council "I offer no excuse. Punish me as you deem necessary". (yes I KNOW this is not the incident in question). You are a wonderful mother. Of that there is NO DOUBT. That is why it hurt so much. As we instilled in our kids - words do mean something. And even thought we don't always act like it, words from our parents mean more than the words anyone else can ever utter.
I love you. Clay loves you. Make peace with it if you have to. And then LET IT GO! :)
Post a Comment